Saying Goodbye to Jack
Photo of Jack by Michelle Blais.
I have put off writing Jack’s memorial for over a month. It just never felt like the right time – life was busy, as I am sure many people can relate to. I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I also needed to have the “perfect” time to write his memorial. As it is, I have finally sat down to write a proper memorial and I am finding this is veering off into more of a blog about my experience with pet loss and in-home euthanasia. Jack’s death has inspired me to share my experience as a caregiver and a parent of small kids navigating pet death. I am currently working on reading about 30 books about pet death, loss & grief written for little kids and I hope to share my favourites in the next month.
I want to let everyone know that I am a veterinarian for over a decade, who is certified in hospice and palliative care, who has advanced euthanasia training and has a keen interest in the human-animal bond. Despite all of this training and experience, I still found it incredibly hard to know when it was the “right” time. The decision is so complex. I tell many families that the only way you will know with 100% certainty is when your pet is experiencing a life-altering emergency or actively dying. This death is not what most families wish for their animal family members.
I started grieving Jack’s death over a year before he died. When I euthanized his littermate in November 2022, and later found out he was the last of his littermates remaining, the reality of his time being finite smacked me in the face. He was doing well, but he had some health issues and his mobility was definitely declining. I started regularly checking in on his quality-of-life with various worksheets. I would talk to him and look him in the eye and tell him I loved him and I wouldn’t let him suffer. I asked him to let me get through the first few months with my newborn, as I knew those tend to be the hardest.
Jack went on to have a pretty good rest of his winter, a good spring and summer. He responded well to therapies to keep him comfortable. He even had a pretty good fall season. I continued to struggle to figure out the balance of being both his pet parent and veterinarian. Let me tell you – it is a lot easier to be the veterinarian in these situations. I told my husband I needed him to be the one to tell me when it was time, because I would likely keep finding ways to keep Jack going.
The winter started, which was thankfully very mild, but Jack stopped responding as well to the therapies we had been using for him. His mobility was worsening, his legs were giving out on him. The Friday before Christmas he fell down the stairs and then refused to go anywhere near them. I had to carry him up a flight of stairs. The next day I gave Jack some additional pain medications and went into Anderson Animal Hospital to borrow their Help ‘Em Up Harness. I knew my time with Jack was drawing close, but the stress of Christmas had me worried I wouldn’t have time to properly mourn him. We had planned a day to euthanize him at home that would give us some time to have a “goodbye” drop-in party for him where our friends and family could come visit him.
Jack rebounded for a few days – as much as you can consider requiring a harness to be lifted up a flight of stairs and to go outside, or seeing him with a decreased appetite, but at least he was still trying to steal some Christmas dinner leftovers. On the Thursday after Christmas, Jack gave up. I saw it in his eyes, I felt it when I looked at him. He didn’t have the strength to keep going, especially not after trying so hard for me over the last few days. He was hardly eating. We would not have time to have a goodbye party. That night I did something I had done with Tiger – I looked through all of my photos of Jack and saved some. Seeing how he had looked as a young dog vs. now was helpful to me to see how much he had changed. I also ordered a beautiful memorial necklace I had been eyeing for a while.
On the Friday we had a “Jack” day. We didn’t really know what to do with him, but it quickly came together and was the perfect day for him. We took him for a drive with the kids and our other dogs to the library (which coincidentally my library holds for pet loss books for kids just came in). After our drive we went to our old neighbourhood where we had many fond memories of walking with our three dogs before we had kids. We took Jack for a very short walk and the kids played at a playground. Jack had to lie down a few times, but he seemed to like the fresh air and sunshine. We stopped to get him some ice cream and French fries on the way home. He didn’t eat very much, but it was still nice to let him have some. We had a few family members come over to visit him that night.
On Saturday December 30th, we told our 4-year-old son that today was going to be Jack’s last day. He was very attached to Jack and was obviously upset. We had been talking about Jack dying leading up to this date, and by nature of my work our son has been exposed to pet death more than the average 4-year-old. My son drew pictures and wrote notes to Jack. It was very sweet. He went to play outside, so I sat with Jack and I read him all of the books I had picked up from the library. I cried as I read all of them. They were just as comforting to me as they would soon be to my son. We arranged for our kids to be with grandparents during the euthanasia so I could focus on Jack and not worry about my mom duties. I think if he was a little bit older, I would have let him stay, but I still stand by my decision.
My husband and I thought we had done an amazing job preparing my older son. He seemed to understand. However, when it was time for him to leave Jack and the realization that this was the last time they would see one another may be one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. He was devastated. He screamed and cried, my husband thought about turning around and bringing him back home. I carried Jack to the front window so my son could see him in the window when he left.
When my husband came back home, my dear vet tech friend came over to help us out. I knew I didn’t want to be the one to give the euthanasia medication – I wanted to hug him and pet him and tell him I loved him. We set up his bed in the front room, I had lullaby Disney music playing and I had lit a candle. I almost forgot to walk my husband through what to expect from the visit. I do this every day of my “work”, but he doesn’t. We gave Jack his sedative and he fell to a nice comfortable sleep. When we were ready Laura gave him the euthanasia medication and he died surrounded by our hugs and love. It was so hard, but the peace I felt is what I truly hope all the families we help also experience.
Laura went home and my husband went to another room to rest. I got to switch into my professional shoes and I made paw print impressions, took hair clippings and I brushed him. I wanted to make sure he looked his best. I placed Jack into a Euthabag (a body bag we use for all our patients going for cremation) and then placed him onto my stretcher – a stretcher I have used hundreds of times before, but this time was different. We tucked our son’s notes in with Jack for his trip to the crematory. We loaded Jack into our van and then made the serene drive to Peaceful Pastures Pet Cremation just outside of Lac du Bonnet. Barry met us and let me have a few minutes in his nice bereavement room with Jack before we left him in Barry’s care. The drive home brought waves of sadness when I would remember we had left Jack behind and he was dead. However, we saw a beautiful sunset on that drive. I felt like it was a sign that Jack was okay, especially given the chosen name of my service.
The next few days were challenging. We felt so good about our decision. We knew we made the right one, but we were still heartbroken about our loss. I helped my 4-year-old make a physical photo album of photos of Jack, which has been very helpful in his grief journey. He shows people his book of “Me and Jack” when they come over. We also gave him his own PawPal and hair clipping, which he still keeps displayed on his dresser. My 11-month-old was too young to understand, but he definitely noticed the dog who faithfully sat under his highchair was no longer there.
Jack’s ashes and urn were returned back home and we found a permanent resting place for him, which also involved me finding a new place for Tiger. They are nestled side by side in our dining room hutch where we can visit them every day. My necklace came in and I wear it every day.
I sometimes wish I had taken a bit more time off working. Between life with two little kids and operating a business, I was often too busy to be sad or fully grieve. However, I think my new experience with pet loss has only solidified for me why I do what I do.
If you read this blog, thank you. This was a very cathartic exercise for me and I hope I can bring some peace and familiarity to the experience of losing a beloved family member.
